


You Don´t Know Until You Know

by illusion_flight



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-04
Updated: 2012-01-04
Packaged: 2017-10-28 21:53:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/312565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/illusion_flight/pseuds/illusion_flight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How does one start a relationship? How does one start to like someone? Sometimes the little things are what matters. Even if they are only one huge misunderstanding. Or maybe just because they are.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Don´t Know Until You Know

**Author's Note:**

> Rating: NC-17
> 
> Originally written on December 3rd, 2011.

It is his last box and by pushing it inside the room, Dr. Kaoru Niimura has officially moved in into his new working place.

“Welcome, doctor,” his new nurse and assistant greets him. Her name is Ni… Na… No… Nora, if he recalls correctly, and her handshake is firm. It´s this psychiatric thing. He should know the best.

The place is white clean, and the rest of the staff seems to be really nice, well, all those people who he´s met so far. There aren´t that many patients which, thinking back, was one of the reasons why he even agreed to this. Then there is the money. The money is good. And let´s not forget about the fresh air. Fresh air is important. He thinks he saw that written on a huge poster hung in the lobby of the main building.

Kaoru smiles to himself, slumps into his brand-new black leather chair and closes his eyes, leaning backwards and spinning around on the chair for a few times like a little boy he is sometimes despite his birth certificate being issued in 1974. During the third round he sees Nora coming in, and he stops, facing the woman, her expression flustered. Kaoru coughs and tries to look serious.

“I was knocking, but you did not answer, so I took the liberty of coming in. I am sorry.”

Despite all the formality there is amusement in her voice, and Kaoru thinks that´s the best option out of all those emotions he could hear there. He´s a shrink after all, and everyone knows shrinks are all a little bit crazy themselves. He produces an understanding face.

“Anyway, Dr. Andou would like you to come to his office when you are done in here. He wants to introduce you to our facility schedule.”

“Sure, thank you. Nora is it, right?”

She nods and smiles.

Kaoru knows this is a good start. He can feel it in his bones. He knows.

\---

Shinrin Clinique is a small establishment that focuses on working with people with eating disorders. It’s located in a coastal area of Kanagawa prefecture because - as the founder´s policy says - fresh salty air helps the most. Except music that is.  
Kaoru has been out of the school and doing his own general practice for some time when he met Daisuke Andou, his former classmate, by chance, during his long-desired vacation trip. There was beer and sometimes around 4:12 am in the morning rice wine and plum wine and any other kind of wine came into play as well. Kaoru complained there was no life in Tokyo, too much work, too many troubled people in that cramped city, and that troubled him in return. Andou said he should get more fresh air and listen to even more music. At that moment, Kaoru didn’t really know about that kind of solution being valid, but he nodded vigorously and somehow, by the end of it all, he was set to quit his own practice and there was a contract waiting for him in his email inbox that next, hangover afternoon.

That is how Kaoru ends up daily driving for two hours there and back to Tokyo with Def Leppard, Nine Inch Nails, Deftones and Korn on shuffle and working with only a few patients on a regular basis. Nevertheless, he still comes home only after 9pm anyway. All instead of no life in Tokyo of course. Who cares that he’s never been interested in ED in particular? He spends the last two weeks of self-employment by forwarding his patients to his friends-psychologists and by reading all the literature on ED he could possibly get his hands on. Helping people is helping people. He ought to do everything right. It´s that sort of a mindset that he has and that is important to have in the first place. He should know the best.

\---

The kid is waiting in front of Andou´s office, talking to his sick-nurse, when Kaoru walks in. He wears a loose t-shirt with One Piece´s Chopper on his chest. His bony fingers are gripping a strap of his bag. He is thin, thin, thiner, and when he leans forward to talk to the nurse Kaoru can count his ribs from behind. Kaoru hums and contemplates how rare it is, meeting a male patient on his first day. As far as he knows, even though there are plenty of the cases, the percentage of men with ED is still low. He bows his head and smiles. Maybe it´s his future patient. Trustworthy look from the beginning is crucial. Most definitely.

A barely audible curse can be heard through the closed door of Andou´s office. Kaoru rolls his eyes. Typical.

 

“So, now we are all done with the timetable, I suggest we have a little party tonight.”

“But what about my drive home? I still need to get to Tokyo and then back here tomorrow, Daisuke.”

“I know. So, let me rephrase. We‘re having a welcome party, Kaoru. Since it´s you who we are welcoming, you, of course, are attending. There will be some people you don´t know yet as well as some of your future patients who will help out as a part of their therapy. 7 pm. The main hall. You can stay at mine´s tonight.”

\---

With no space left for any argument (and essentially he is not against partying anyway), Kaoru enters the main hall exactly three minutes after 7pm. The room is almost empty, except one corner where a group of people is gathered. Kaoru has seen most of them at least once and with a bit of luck, he might even remember their names correctly. If nothing else, he can hear Nora following in his steps and after their little morning incident he is quite convinced he can rely on her good will.

Scanning the place for Andou, Kaoru spots the kid from the earlier. He is standing next to the refreshments table, chatting with another patients and doctor Hara, who is a fresh medical school graduate, Kaoru can´t help but notice that the kid seems to be pretty popular. He is surprised he is in his Chopper T-shirt still because the rest of the facility occupants are mostly dressed in their bathing robes, shuffling around in the slippers. Maybe he is not staying there after all.

There is no time to think about him more though; Kaoru´s flow of the thoughts is interrupted by a light punch into his shoulder and a bottle of coke in his hand.

“We keep it strictly non-alcoholic,” Andou announces in a cheerful voice. “Well, for now.”

Kaoru only shakes his head in general amusement and opens the bottle. The content ends up spraying him and Nora, standing right next to him. The only thing he can do is to shake his head again as he heads towards the buffet to collect some napkins. He should’ve known better.

\---

Toshiya Hara is a friendly fellow; he manages to introduce Kaoru to all the patients present. He also sticks a name tag to his jacket. They all wear them, he notices. Thanks god.

The tag of the kid from before reads Shinya. He leaves before Kaoru gets to talk to him (is it disappointment that he feels?), but there is a smile on Shinya´s face as he nods goodbye; it is lazy but, once in open, huge. Kaoru finds it a bit disturbing that he can´t help but keep glancing in the boy´s direction. He just looks different from all the other patients. There’s no gloominess surrounding him, and his cheeks are slightly flushed; for the lack of any other expression on his hand, Kaoru would call him, ironically enough, well-fed.

And he is not so sure if it’s all that appropriate to call him _the kid_ either.

Kaoru watches him offering the food to the nurses and speaking to Andou. The other patients look much more disgusted with the task that is expected from them. No one touches anything that even remotely resembles food. All of a sudden, Kaoru feels a bit depressed.

When he confesses his feelings on the matter, Dr. Hara only laughs.

“You’ll get used to it. It´s not that bad. All the patients in here are in the advanced stages of their therapy now. We haven´t had any new admission for weeks. No previous experience with EDs?” Hara´s face turns more serious, but his tone continues being cheerful.

“Not really, except a few patients in an after-therapy.”

The other man nods.

“Well, it´s really not as bad as it looks. They just don´t like these tasks, but this is to keep their motivation up. And we plan healthy diets, and the therapy is quite effective. Some of us set more than good examples when it comes to eating habits too.”

“What do you mean?”

Kaoru sips from his coke and coughs a bit as the bubbles go down his throat all too quickly.

“Well, Dr. Andou employed you, right?” Hara scans Kaoru from his head to his toes quickly. “And don´t you just like eating?”

He smirks, and this time Kaoru almost chokes on his next sip. The man pats his back strongly in order to relieve him.

“Oi, doctor, don´t sabotage our treatment methods. Dying is strictly prohibited in here.”

Suddenly, Kaoru´s unprofessional desire for beer (at least one beer) skyrockets. He wonders if his decision was all that wise after all. He takes a step closer to Dr. Hara.

“When did you say the patients are supposed to leave?”

“I haven´t said anything.”

Perhaps, he should have known better. From the corner of his eye he catches a glimpse of what-is-his-name-Chopper-kid.

\---

Kaoru spends the next hour chatting up the patients politely and thinking of the ways to get to know more about Shinya (Nora´s courtesy). He keeps running away from Kaoru (not really, but Daisuke keeps Kaoru occupied with his shouchuu talk and he can´t follow the other).

He finally catches up with the kid five minutes before the patients are supposed to leave for their rooms. He looks hurried; maybe he is leaving too (since he is a patient), Kaoru thinks. Shinya bows and shakes hands with him, his fingers bony, his palm dry and warm. The thought of wanting to hold it for a bit longer flashes through Kaoru´s mind.

“So, for how long have you been here?”

For some reason Shinya gives him a strange look, but maybe it´s just his tired mind playing tricks on him because that lazy smile appears again.

“Around 3 years. I live in the town, so…”

“Ah, I see, I see.” Kaoru interrupts him; the question whether the man is staying at the Clinique answered. He is slightly disturbed by the length of the period, but says nothing. It wouldn´t be professional.

Shinya hums and looks around, searching for the other patients with his eyes. Is he scared? Is Kaoru too forward? Kaoru uses his therapy voice.

“And how do you like it?”

Now Shinya looks amused. Kaoru has no idea what he´s doing wrong.

“Well, I can´t complain. It´s good. I get to meet other people. I like that. Money´s good too.”

Kaoru is the one narrowing his eyes now. He is confused; the kid´s words are weird. Does he mean the money he has to pay for the sessions? However, he doesn´t manage to ask. Shinya bows once again, apologizing; he has to go. Kaoru pouts slightly in disappointment. He is intrigued and set to get to know the kid better. Of course, as a part of their sessions. Do they have any together? He has to check the schedule. He pushes his hands into his pockets, slouches and watches Shinya, walking behind the rest of the patients and out of the main hall.

The lights in the hall outside switch on, then after a while switch off. The kid is gone.

Kaoru can´t hear the steps that stop right next to him. There’s a punch into his shoulder again, and this time he feels slight pain. He turns his head in the direction from which it came.

“A beer? Shouchuu?” Dr. Andou asks, and in the background Kaoru can see Dr. Hara, sipping from a beer can and talking to Daisuke´s nurse. He has a goofy grin on his face.

“Shouchuu.”

It appears in his hand within a few seconds, and Kaoru wonders how Daisuke always does it. Because he doesn´t get it.

\---

The last thing Kaoru thought when he drove to his new work place that day was that he would end up drunk. Drunk, drunk, drunker. In his charts, that is not exactly the best start, but then he probably should have expected that since he decided to work with Daisuke.

He tells all of this to a strange little man with a broom in his hand. He has a name tag on as well, but he can´t really read the name anymore. Kaoru thinks that Nora called him Kyo at some point. In any case, he certainly did not think that. He also didn´t think that he would get interested in his future patient. Because that is just so, so wrong. And he should know better.

Kyo, the janitor (or Kaoru thinks he is one), just stares at him, more like looks at him. There’s no response at all, but Kaoru doesn´t mind all that much. When you’re drunk, you care only about yourself anyway. That´s how human mind works. So he talks about Shinya more and Kyo´s face changes slightly as he hears the name of the other man, but Kaoru doesn´t notice because that is the moment when Shinya walks in again and Kaoru is surprised and happy.

He hears him talking to Daisuke. Something about someone being pretty amusing. Something about living closer. And something about taking Kaoru home with him. Daisuke suggests Shinya takes him for a walk first. For some fresh salty air.

Kaoru doesn´t understand anything anymore.

 

\---

Kaoru is wasted, and he just needs to lean against this kid.  
The taller man crouches slightly when Kaoru swings his arm around his shoulder, and they move. Kaoru lets him lead; it´s too unfamiliar here and he doesn´t recognize this flat’s layout. Before they get to their final destination (a couch maybe), Kaoru notices Chopper on the kid´s tee is creased and there is a little dirty dot right under the character´s eye. He touches the spot with his fingers and starts smoothing the fabric on the other´s chest. He is not sure if it´s a snicker he hears. It might just be his imagination. What he knows is that the kid has a pretty toned body underneath his clothes and that is not what he expected from those protruding ribs. He also doesn´t expects the stir in his lower stomach and the heat that suddenly reaches his face and the parts located in places for which he is supposedly too drunk. In this case maybe too old as well. Just how old is this guy, really?  
They reach some door, and Kaoru sways on his feet. Their balance is disrupted, but the grip (when the arm snuck there Kaoru doesn´t remember) around his waist is strong, and they end up leaning against the door frame safely. For some reason (you don´t need any when you are drunk) Kaoru finds himself pressing his palm harder against the other man and then kissing his lips clumsily, without any warning. The kid apparently doesn´t mind though, and he is careless enough not to think of it more. Kaoru is pulled inside the room and they land on what he supposes is a bed.  
Kaoru sneaks his hand down the other´s chest and, for a while, fights with a button on his trousers. At this point he is sure the snicker is not only imagined, and when he looks into the kid´s face, he sees a grin. A little bit shy, but it´s there.  
“Just help me,” he slurs, and his own trousers are undone and pushed down.  
“That´s not what I -”  
Not able to continue, he feels a hand closing around him, and his eyes roll into the back of his head. Trying his best, Kaoru focuses on undoing Shinya´s trousers and succeeds at last. He might be drunk, but he certainly knows how these things are done; he reciprocates every touch and, strangely enough, it almost makes him sober up. He can feel Shinya´s forehead pressed against his shoulder, his ears filled with muffled pants. This is good, this is good, he repeats in his mind until a nail scrapes around the glans of his cock. He lets a small whimper slip out of his throat.

 

Their hands are everything but synchronized in the franticness of the last few seconds of it. Orgasm washes over them; first Kaoru and then there is moisture lapping over his own fingers too. He can feel the muscles of Shinya´s lower abdomen tensing. He slumps backwards onto the mattress, closing his eyes. Something soft is pressing against his stomach here and there, so Kaoru forces to open his eyes for the last time just to see Shinya cleaning him up. He rolls to the side, wrapping one of his arms around the other man´s waist, trying to pull him closer in some kind of a childish instinct. But there is no more strength in his arms. Kaoru is drunk, Kaoru is tired, Kaoru is warm. Sleep takes over him in a matter of seconds, and for the next few hours he knows nothing about the world.

\---

At first, Kaoru has no idea where he is. The ceiling is white, as white as the one in his own apartment, but an unknown sensation runs through him. He can feel moisture on his cheek; reaching out he realizes it´s his own drool and he wipes it off quickly. There is something warm and fluffy and respectively heavy resting on his feet and he sits up abruptly. It is obvious someone was lying next to him just a few minutes ago, but the spot is empty now. His head is aching.

Kaoru might not remember names that easily, but he always remembers his own escapades. He’s not sure whether he should be grateful for that or not, but sometimes he finds it quite unfair. He thinks some kind of research should be commenced on him because isn´t it always the opposite way with everyone? But no, alcohol doesn´t have that effect on him, thus this time as well it takes him only about a minute to realize what happened last night. He buries his face into his hands and growls.

The heaviness on his legs shifts and Kaoru can see it´s a dog - kind of cute one, until it starts barking at him. He growls again.

 

“Good morning.”

All of a sudden, Shinya is standing in the door frame. He has a huge t-shirt with some unknown character on. Kaoru thinks this one is sweeter than the Chopper one. Then he realizes, once again, that they had sex. He had sex (just a handjob, just a handjob, just a handjob, yeah, keep telling that to yourself, as if a handjob wasn´t sex) with a patient. And despite the fact that Kaoru has something that could be almost called a professional training in staying calm and keeping his head cool, he panics for a second. Or two. Or more.

The dog is glaring at him (can dogs glare?). Sex with a patient echoes through his mind still. He finally manages to push out a greeting as well.

“Good morning.”

Shinya is obviously very amused, a huge smile plastered across his face (not even sex with a patient with such a nice smile makes Kaoru feel better).

“Coffee? Shower?” he asks, at which Kaoru jumps out of the bed in attempt to keep the last shreds of his own dignity.

“Thank you. I think I’ll take you up on that shower. What time is it? I need to get back to the Clinique.”

His own words terrify him. He definitely didn´t want to bring up the Clinique just yet. Maybe it is only a stupid defence mechanism in form of a denial that can´t even last for too long, but for now it´s better than anything else.

“Okay, the bathroom´s is over there.”

Shinya points in the direction of another door leading from the room and goes on, suggesting they can leave together. Kaoru can´t hear that anymore though. He closes the door behind himself; he has to get to work as soon as possible and think about this fuck up with clear head. He growls once again. He did fuck up. In every sense the word could ever possess.

 

Kaoru says bye, and he feels really awkward when the kid’s last words are “I´ll see you at the Clinique.” He will have to talk to Shinya later that day anyway; he has to apologize and make it clear that it cannot ( _will not_ ) happen again. He knows more than well enough that he has responsibilities towards his patients after all.

\---

That afternoon Shinya makes it easy for him. Knocking at his office door, Nora announces Kaoru has a visitor who wishes to make an appointment. Kaoru´s been doing paperwork all day long, and he is really glad about that because he can´t really focus at all (he had sex with a patient, no, for that one he doesn´t need any sticky post on his board). Having someone for therapy that day would end up being a disaster.

When Kaoru sees Shinya in the door, his eyes widen. And it is not because it´s him and Kaoru gets all nervous (but he does), nor because he is surprised to see his hands being full of mysterious bags (but he is), but because Shinya is wearing white trousers and a white shirt and a name tag, and Kaoru knows what this means all too well.

There is this huge smile again, and Kaoru runs his hand over his face.

“Why didn´t you tell me you´re a nurse in here?”

Shinya seems to be flustered at first. He puts the bags on top of Kaoru´s messy desk, but then bursts into laughter. It´s the first time Kaoru hears him laughing like that, and his stomach makes a few flips.

“You had no idea.”

More than a question, Shinya´s words are a confirmation, his voice light. He laughs again and Kaoru sighs.

“I thought you were a patient in here,” he admits in a guilty tone and watches the other man unpack the content of his contribution. Food, food, food…. food. He can feel his stomach grumble.

“What gave you the impression?”

But Kaoru cannot answer. He doesn´t know. Other than Shinya being really skinny (scary skinny), no one has ever told him Shinya was a patient. He made his own assumptions. He deceived himself. Now all those strange words from the previous night make sense. All of a sudden, a huge bento, a cup of ice coffee and a bottle of tea appears in front of him, and Shinya plops down on the chair right opposite of him.

“So, doctor Niimura is it, right? Can I make an appointment with you?”

Kaoru is confused now. He doesn´t know what the other man is talking about; why would he need one anyway? But he isn’t in a position to make his own conclusion out of this, and that´s why he asks in an almost inaudible voice:

“Why?”

Shinya´s mouth is full of food now, stuffing even more in as Kaoru speaks. He looks at him, chews a few times and takes a gulp or two from his coke.

“Call it a date then?”

Kaoru leans back into his chair.

“You don´t have to. I mean, the night doesn´t have to mean anything.” Somehow Kaoru wishes it leads to something at least though. “Besides do you really want one? With a doctor who sleeps with his patients?”

“You were drunk out of your wits.”

“That doesn´t excuse me at all.”

“Now, now, don´t pity yourself, doctor. It´s not healthy. You should know the best.”

Shinya snickers, finishing his bento in an overwhelming speed, and reaches into a bag for a few rice balls. Unpacking one of them slowly, he looks at Kaoru, something in his eyes. He rubs his knee.

Kaoru crosses his arms on his chest, but then quickly places them on the desk in front of him, knowing far too well what that kind of gesture means and now being more than sure Shinya knows too. And somehow he doesn´t really want to mar this opportunity.

“It´s not that I have to go on a date with you, but maybe I want to. Just let´s not jump ahead of ourselves, alright?” Shinya adds.

Kaoru can feel his cheeks getting hot. He doesn´t even know what his own name is anymore.


End file.
